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Wanna know something that chafes my spokes? People who ride their bikes on busy streets. Why do they choose to do this? Especially when most of them look like this guy:  Bicycling is a great form of exercise and people that look like the man in this picture (and me), should hop on their Western Flyers more often to pedal away a few pounds. However, please do everyone a favor and stay off the congested highways. There's a reason why all those bicycle lanes that our tax dollars paid for are scarcely used. It's called common-sense.
While I'm at it, let's stay away from that Lance Armstrong rack at Dick's Sporting Goods too! Those clothes are not intended for you, even if they do come in XXXL. Do not allow the manufacturers (or your own mirror) to deceive you. You are Tour De Frankfurter, not Tour De France. Admit this to yourself the next time you contemplate purchasing form-fitting spandex anything! Instead…put on some elasticized shorts (the kind that expand from 36in - 44in), a loose-fitting cotton t-shirt, (helmet if you must), and find a road less travelled to do your cardio. It's much safer, you will be dressed more appropriately for the age and shape you are in…and you will endear yourself to curmudgeons like me, who have to resist the urge to run you over. Curmudgeon Out! "Things are not as bad as they seem. They are worse"... Bill Press
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Evidently, there is a bumper crop of desperate farmers, ranchers and good ole country folks out there...all lonely and looking for love in that virtual cornfield...the internet. Shucks Paw...the irony. The website is “FarmersOnly.com” and their tag line is; “City folks just don't get it”. Well, I grew up in a pretty rural community and I don't get it either, especially after watching this commercial featuring talking cows. Please watch this – it's only 30 seconds. How could this commercial inspire over 1 million people (according to their website) to plant their profile in this fertile ground of workaholics and weirdos? How would one reach out at first? What would that initial correspondence read like I wonder???: Hi, my name is Mr. Green Jeans and I ran across your profile on FarmersOnly.com. You sure are a pretty little Philly. Is that a recent picture? I noticed that you mentioned "nothing cranks your tractor quite like plowing the back 40 on a dusty day"...oh, and that you have 6 children – ages 4 to 30. When I read that, I knew you were a good match for me. Somebody pass the pitchfork where I can stab myself!
Curmudgeon Out! "Things are not as bad as they seem. They are worse"....Bill Press  Need another sign of crazy? (or in this case - "lazy")
Let me introduce you to Tidy Paws: a "pet waste removal and dog pooper scooper yard cleanup service" here in Nashville. Call 1-800-DOG POOP. I have to admit, I would have loved to have been able to afford these guys when I was a teenager and used to mow our 1-acre yard with a 20-inch push mower. We had a large snow-white german shepherd named Bobo, and he excelled at hiding some pretty impressive droppings all over that acre. Let me tell you in case you've never experienced the enjoyment of hitting one of those bad boys with a throttled up 5HP Briggs & Stratton. It's the scent that keeps on giving Clark! According to Tidy Paws' website, they charge $13/visit for one dog - and they have a "double-doody" guarantee that you'll be happy with their service. You can't make up this crap! Curmudgeon Out! "Things are not as bad as they seem. They are worse." ~Bill Press  I paused yesterday on I-40 to snap a picture of this billboard. For some reason, it draws my eye every morning as I'm driving to work in order to support my overt happiness.
So I thought I'd take a picture of it to safely ponder & dissect the information on this billboard - and to share the thoughts it provokes in my pitiful mind every morning on my commute; The Girl:
Minimally Invasive: This is an oxymoron. If it's invasive, it ain't minimal. Shoulder Surgery: To reiterate, and as anyone my age with crusty, creaky joints knows…there is no such thing as minimally invasive (or minor) "Surgery" Dube Orthopedics Is it pronounced "doob" or "doobie"? That's a funny name for a Doctor who works on "joints". In either case, I will not be going to see him strictly based on that. I've gone to other doctors before who's names invoke unfortunate connotations. The most prominent of those being a gastrointestinal specialist in South Carolina named…Dr. Ramsbottom. (true) There is another Dube billboard as well, featuring a seductively-bent knee that looks as if it could be of this same young lady with obvious, premature joint issues. I can't remember where it is, but if I see it I will do a follow-up post or tweet out a picture. That way, we can be Dube Brothers! Curmudgeon Out! "Things are not as bad as they seem. They are worse." ~Bill Press SEEKING OUT PERFECTION
(by Curmudgeon) Hide that silver in your hair Wax that which is hairy Peel away the outer layer Scrub that which is scaly Whiten what you feel is dull Implant what you lack Lift up everything that sags Botox for the cracks Photoshop those lines and spots Colorize the eyes Brush away the pores of skin Slenderize those thighs Auto-tune who cannot sing Lip-sync at the show Play tracks to enhance the sound You think that no one knows We can't believe in what we see Or trust in what we hear Vanity is run amuck It's something we should fear The smoke and mirrors of it all Trick us with deception And makes us feel less than we are When seeking out perfection Curmudgeon Out! "Things are not as bad as they seem. They are worse." ~Bill Press |
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November 2017
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