The Curmudgeon Muse
  • Blog
  • About

TOUR DE NIAL

3/14/2014

2 Comments

 
Wanna know something that chafes my spokes?  People who ride their bikes on busy streets.  Why do they choose to do this?  Especially when most of them look like this guy:
Picture
Bicycling is a great form of exercise and people that look like the man in this picture (and me), should hop on their Western Flyers more often to pedal away a few pounds. However, please do everyone a favor and stay off the congested highways.  There's a reason why all those bicycle lanes that our tax dollars paid for are scarcely used.  It's called common-sense.

While I'm at it, let's stay away from that Lance Armstrong rack at Dick's Sporting Goods too!  Those clothes are not intended for you, even if they do come in XXXL.  Do not allow the manufacturers (or your own mirror) to deceive you.  You are Tour De Frankfurter, not Tour De France.  Admit this to yourself the next time you contemplate purchasing form-fitting spandex anything!

Instead…put on some elasticized shorts (the kind that expand from 36in - 44in), a loose-fitting cotton t-shirt, (helmet if you must), and find a road less travelled to do your cardio.   It's much safer, you will be dressed more appropriately for the age and shape you are in…and you will endear yourself to curmudgeons like me, who have to resist the urge to run you over.

Curmudgeon Out!
                                           "Things are not as bad as they seem.  They are worse"... Bill Press


2 Comments

OLD McDONALD NEEDS A WIFE - E.I.E.I.O.

3/12/2014

0 Comments

 
Evidently, there is a bumper crop of desperate farmers, ranchers and good ole country folks out there...all lonely and looking for love in that virtual cornfield...the internet. Shucks Paw...the irony.

The website is “FarmersOnly.com” and their tag line is; “City folks just don't get it”. Well, I grew up in a pretty rural community and I don't get it either, especially after watching this commercial featuring talking cows. Please watch this – it's only 30 seconds.
How could this commercial inspire over 1 million people (according to their website) to plant their profile in this fertile ground of workaholics and weirdos? How would one reach out at first? What would that initial correspondence read like I wonder???:
Hi, my name is Mr. Green Jeans and I ran across your profile on FarmersOnly.com. You sure are a pretty little Philly. Is that a recent picture? I noticed that you mentioned "nothing cranks your tractor quite like plowing the back 40 on a dusty day"...oh, and that you have 6 children – ages 4 to 30. When I read that, I knew you were a good match for me. 

I'm 42 years old and have worked all my life on this farm and never took the time to meet any real women. With all the livestock around, it didn't even occur to me until recently that I was lonely. But I think I'm ready now to hitch my Massey Ferguson to a strong country girl like you.  Someone who understands me, and would want to settle down and share this ole sod-buster's dream. Would you like to meet this Saturday at the Co-Op and then follow me back to the barn to help me slaughter a few hogs for the church Bar-b-que?
Somebody pass the pitchfork where I can stab myself!

Curmudgeon Out!
                                                           "Things are not as bad as they seem.  They are worse"....Bill Press
0 Comments

DOUBLE DOODY

3/8/2014

2 Comments

 
Picture
Need another sign of crazy? (or in this case - "lazy")
 

Let me introduce you to Tidy Paws:  a "pet waste removal and dog pooper scooper yard cleanup service" here in Nashville.  
Call 1-800-DOG POOP.  

I have to admit, I would have loved to have been able to afford these guys when I was a teenager and used to mow our 1-acre yard with a 20-inch push mower.  We had a large snow-white german shepherd named Bobo, and he excelled at hiding some pretty impressive droppings all over that acre.  Let me tell you in case you've never experienced the enjoyment of hitting one of those bad boys with a throttled up 5HP Briggs & Stratton.  It's the scent that keeps on giving Clark!

According to Tidy Paws' website, they charge $13/visit for one dog - and they have a "double-doody" guarantee that you'll be happy with their service.

You can't make up this crap!

Curmudgeon Out!

                                    "Things are not as bad as they seem.  They are worse."  ~Bill Press

2 Comments

DANGER, SOFT SHOULDER

3/4/2014

6 Comments

 
Picture
I paused yesterday on I-40 to snap a picture of this billboard.  For some reason, it draws my eye every morning as I'm driving to work in order to support my overt happiness.  


So I thought I'd take a picture of it to safely ponder & dissect the information on this billboard - and to share the thoughts  it provokes in my pitiful mind every morning on my commute;
 


The Girl:
  • Where is her shirt?
  • Is she looking for the scar?
  • Is this Dr. Dube's assistant?  Will she answer the phone if I call this number?
  • I wish that I could turn my head that far, but I can't because of my C-5 & C-6 degenerative discs.  I wonder if Dr. Dube knows a good neurosurgeon he could recommend?
  • There's no way that this girl has had shoulder surgery, but she makes me look every morning!  This is good marketing by Dube.

Minimally Invasive:
This is an oxymoron.  If it's invasive, it ain't minimal.

Shoulder Surgery:
To reiterate, and as anyone my age with crusty, creaky joints knows…there is no such thing as minimally invasive (or minor) "Surgery"

Dube Orthopedics
Is it pronounced "doob" or "doobie"?  That's a funny name for a Doctor who works on "joints".  

In either case, I will not be going to see him strictly based on that.  I've gone to other doctors before who's names invoke unfortunate connotations.  The most prominent of those being a gastrointestinal specialist in South Carolina named…Dr. Ramsbottom. (true)

There is another Dube billboard as well, featuring a seductively-bent knee that looks as if it could be of this same young lady with obvious, premature joint issues.  I can't remember where it is, but if I see it I will do a follow-up post or tweet out a picture.  That way, we can be Dube Brothers!

Curmudgeon Out!
                                            "Things are not as bad as they seem.  They are worse."  ~Bill Press

6 Comments

PERFECTION

3/1/2014

1 Comment

 
SEEKING OUT PERFECTION
(by Curmudgeon)

Hide that silver in your hair
Wax that which is hairy
Peel away the outer layer
Scrub that which is scaly



Whiten what you feel is dull
Implant what you lack
Lift up everything that sags
Botox for the cracks


Photoshop those lines and spots
Colorize the eyes
Brush away the pores of skin
Slenderize those thighs


Auto-tune who cannot sing
Lip-sync at the show
Play tracks to enhance the sound
You think that no one knows


We can't believe in what we see
Or trust in what we hear
Vanity is run amuck
It's something we should fear


The smoke and mirrors of it all
Trick us with deception
And makes us feel less than we are
When seeking out perfection


Curmudgeon Out!
                                        "Things are not as bad as they seem.  They are worse."  ~Bill Press
1 Comment

    Author

    President:  C.O.A.
    (Curmudgeonhood of America)

    Archives

    November 2017
    August 2016
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

    Enter your email address:

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • Blog
  • About