There's so much wrong and inappropriate about this that I don't know where to begin to address it. Therefore, I choose to only contribute to this horrid (and horrifying) idea with additional inappropriateness. I think this funeral-home proprietor should double-down and blow-out this concept by providing a menu of musical themes to add a little "posthumous production" for the mobile mourners. Have them stick a donation in a Jukebox and punch in their personal preference to make one final 3-minute memory with their "close friend" or loved one: #1 - Disco:
Music: Stayin' Alive - (Bee Gees) Wardrobe: White Leisure Suit w/ big-collar polyester shirt Casket: Gold Lame' #2 - Classic Country: Music: I’d Be Better Off In A Pine Box - (Doug Stone) Wardrobe: Nudie Suit Casket: Pine Box #3 - Classic Rock: Music: Another One Bites The Dust - (Queen) Wardrobe: Spandex & face makeup Casket: Black Velvet with Skull & Crossbones adornments #4 - Bluegrass: Music: Oh Death - (Ralph Stanley) Wardrobe: Suit & Tie Casket: Big Fiddle-case #5 - Western: Music: Happy Trails - (Roy Rogers) Wardrobe: Wranglers and a Brush-popper Casket: The Longhorn #6 - Elvis: (most expensive) Music: Intro - Space Odyssey…transition into Return To Sender Wardrobe: White Jump Suit (complete with eagle & scarf) Casket: Pink with a Cadillac hood ornament Snack Included: Deep-fried peanut-butter and banana sandwich "Thank-you very much"…Uncle Jack-In-The-Box has left the building! Curmudgeon Out! "Things are not as bad as they seem...they are worse"...Bill Press
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While nothing surprises me anymore, I am still constantly amazed at this crazy world in which we live. This past week especially highlights that fact. NFL abuse scandals, our President looking directly into the camera and saying ISIS isn't Islamic, Anniversary of 9/11, the semantic smoke & mirrors of not saying "War" when we're about to bomb the crap out of Syria…etc. Obviously, these are all serious issues and God-sized problems to which I only know to pray and try to take comfort that HE is in ultimate control. I encourage all of you to do the same. But then there's the low-lying fruit that provides fabulous fodder for your trusty, curmudgeon servant…such as: McBrunch Evidently, McDonald's has filed for a patent for the term "McBrunch"…which implies that they are considering offering some of their delicious items to enjoy over a slower-paced weekend "experience" at MickeyDee's. Ummmm, I don't know about you, but just the thought of what scrumptuous fare they plan to roll out makes me want to McPUKE!!! Somebody pass me a bottomless orange-drink McMimosa so I can McDrown myself.
Stores Start Christmas Early
BAH-HUMBUG, BOO…HISS!!! We're just past Labor Day and there are stores in Clearwater Florida already decking their aisles promoting Christmas. K-Mart, Wal-Mart, Hobby Lobby…how about I come and deck you! You may try and pass it off as "consumer demand" but we all know your motive…and it ain't the "reason for the season"! Otherwise, you would wait for the season! Get it??? You greedy, bottom-line focused fools. Don't you corporate Scrooge's realize that; "The most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thpirit of the Griswold family Chrithmath?" (CLICK HERE for the clip) Thanks for your big-box store mindset and contribution to ruining the anticipation and family/spiritual connection that comes with Christmas. You SUCK! Curmudgeon McOut! "Things are not as bad as they seem...they are worse!"....Bill Press I remember (back in my childhood), going into Mr. Jake's Roadside Diner with my Dad. Daddy would order us each a fried bologna sandwich…and that was that. Jake didn't entertain any options. He fixed it the way he knew would be best and you could either eat it or wear it. Fry that tasty filler-meat in a cast-iron skillet until the outside had those burnt-looking, crusty areas, then slap that meat between two slices of white-bread slathered with mayonnaise (which he pronounced "Mare' -n- aig"). No options! And it was simply delicious…and deliciously simple! Now in contrast... I dropped by Subway yesterday to pick up a couple of sandwiches and go have lunch with my sweet Mama…who lives right down the street from there. Turkey (for her) and a Tuna for me. It was already 12:45 and I was hungry, so that probably didn't help my mood any...especially toward the family in front of me. Let's call them The Indecisive's; Dad, daughter and son. Lordy, NONE of them could make up their mind what they wanted on their sandwich. Dad was allowing the kids to pick their veggies and condiments, but they were not tall enough for their voices to carry over the glass in order for the Indian Subway slinger to hear them. To make matters worse, Dad ended up over-ruling his kids' preferences, which led me to quickly surmise he must be super-controlling if he won't let his children pick the peck of pickled peppers that they want on their Sub. The capper though, was that after the slinger had wrapped up their sandwiches, The Indecisive's make one final decision. They now want 2 of them heated…UNBELIEVABLE! For the first time in my life, I have something in common with flat meat - we're both about to go nuclear!!!
If you count the possible options above (and I'm sure I left a few out), there is a combination of 56 choices and/or decisions that you have to make…TO ORDER A SANDWICH! No wonder The Indecisive's can't make up their minds….they're overwhelmed by this complex sandwich-making process. So listen up America, I want fewer options! Fewer salad dressings, brands of toothpaste, bar-b-que sauces, cereal, deodorants, shampoos, tv channels, flavored water…etc. There are enough major choices that we have to make in life without cluttering up our minds with insignificant ones like 9-grain wheat or 9-grain honey oat. I bet nobody could guess one from the other in a blind taste test so why bother? Variety is no longer the spice of life...it's the source of strife!
Curmudgeon Out! "Things are not as bad as they seem....they are worse!" - Bill Press
DANGER….exactly! This guy should have had a "Danger Will Robinson" t-shirt on with a skull & cross-bones logo. But lucky me, here I am caught in a crowded room by someone who obviously needs "scoping"…and I don't mean the mouthwash. The fact is, when this happens to you, it's impossible to concentrate on anything the person is saying. Instead, I can only retreat to my own, private thoughts in an attempt to withstand the odorous attack;
Our sense of smell is a powerful thing. It's been proven that it can trigger specific memories from our past. I can assure you all of this; I will never forget this man…nor his breath. Both have been deposited into my sensory banks for future avoidance…as well as to inspire me to keep a few mints handy for close, impromptu conversations. Tic-tac?
Curmudgeon Out! "Things are not as bad as they seem....they're worse!".....Bill Press
So imagine my reaction the other morning as my dental hygienist, Candace, starts pitching me on the newest way to fight gingivitis…a ShowerPik Water Flosser. THAT'S RIGHT…water flossing while you shower. Supposedly, a lot of "men" (she said) like this method because it's a time saver in the morning.
This had me contemplating the rest of the time she spent scraping the plague off my molars. The first thing I thought of was the episode of Seinfeld - when Kramer is trying to be more time-efficient…and starts washing and prepping his produce in the shower.
The fact is, I would probably need a Clarkman disposer installed if I started Shower-Pikin'…especially after "wife's" roast-beef night. Blast those stringy strands out between my teeth and I'm gonna need some serious horsepower to keep the drains flowing freely. We've been married 30 years this month - and it's still tough! (the roast-beef that is).
No thanks Candace! I know I need to start flossing…and I appreciate your concerned reprimand and suggestions for my gums and overall health. But I'll just continue with my own routine and brush (and ok occasionally floss) at the bathroom sink. I'll leave the Pickin' & Grinnin' to Buck & Roy and the whole Hee Haw gang! Curmudgeon Out! "Things are not as bad as they seem...they're worse!" - Bill Press (Disclaimer): It wasn't until 1985 when I went to see Harrison Ford & Kelly McGillis in "Witness" that I ever became aware of the Amish. I was 24 years old then…and since that first impression (portrayed by Hollywood), I confess that I have not delved into deep research to fully educate myself on their culture, beliefs and simplistic ways of life. What I do know, is that the vast concentration of them remains in the states of Ohio, Pennsylvania and Indiana…(and according to Wikipedia there are 281,675 in all of America). With 317 million people in the U.S., that means the Amish represent only .008 of 1%. If those numbers are anywhere close to accurate, then it begs the question; "what in the name of Jebediah is going on folks"?
As I was driving back from a really nice walk in the park this morning, I spot these establishments touting; Fresh Amish Produce, Amish Pies and Fudge, Amish Furniture. I'm in MT. JULIET, TN…how can this be? Three places of business within an Amish slingshot of one another. Can Jenkins Nursery and Landscaping really be carrying fresh Amish Produce? Jenkins doesn't seem like an Amish name to me. Anderson's Amish Furniture?…located by the AmAsian Restaurant (that's coming soon). Does it not raise a suspicion that something seems Amissh? Either the Amish are the most gifted, brilliant, efficient, productive people in the history of mankind, or there is a fly in the butter-log somewhere. How could this few of a people churn out the volume of "Amish goods" that I see EVERYWHERE these days. Jams, cookies, fudge, furniture, electric furnaces (what???), grass-fed beef, pickles, buggy's, baskets, bonnets, quilts,…you name it! Got some old mason jars you want to sell? Fill them up with some tap water, slap a horse & buggy label on the front, mark it up 40% and call it Amish Springs. No explanation necessary…people will buy it because it says Amish. We as a society are gullible, falling for mis-leading marketing terms like free-range chicken or anything organic. No one is regulating this stuff…and there ain't no Amish Commissioner authenticating that Ezekiel really whittled that wagon-wheel you're about to purchase. But who am I to rob you of your consumeristic joy and mis-guided belief that what is promoted is "real"? I just make crusty, instinctive observations…and write them down in this blog so that I can release them from my screwed-up mind…and then clippity-clop through life until the next thing gets my rant on. HEY, somebody pass me that Amish balm…I've got a hitch in my get-along. Curmudgeon Out! "Things are not as bad as they seem....they are worse!".....Bill Press So "wife" and I had just wrapped up a wonderful 4th of July weekend get-away with some close friends at the lake and are headed home. We have to make an emergency stop for gas - and a Mapco convenience store is our first option. I normally don't purchase my fuel from Mapco, but the gauge is in the red, so I have no other option.
I go inside to prepay cash for Pump #4 - have the $60 in my hand. But standing before me at the counter is the subject of my rant today…I'll refer to her as "Fanny Mae" - seemed to fit. Fanny Mae stood about 5' 3" - weighed approximately 190 lbs - had on caprice pants (which in my opinion, look good on no-one…much less on short, stubby legs) - and a Pabst Blue Ribbon t-shirt with the sleeves tucked up under her bra straps so that her pits could breathe I guess. It was quite the visual - along with her companion (whom I'll call Billy Bob), who was similarly attired. However, it wasn't the visual assault on my senses that I found so offensive…it was her scratching!!! LOTTO TICKETS! Here I am waiting patiently in line - ready to say & pay in 2 seconds; "$60 on pump #4 please" while Fanny Mae's purchasing and scratching Lotto tickets at the counter. Besides the Lotto tickets, she has 2 Mountain Dews, 3 lollipops and a carton of Marlboro's. The clerk runs the debit card….Fanny Mae scratches the Lotto tickets…then turns to Billy Bob with a disappointed look on her nose-pierced face. She didn't win….."awhhhh shucks Fanny, now get out of my way!" But instead of Fanny tucking her extra wide namesake and walking away, she proceeds to buy 3 more Lotto tickets. The clerk runs another transaction of her debit card….gives Fanny the receipt and tickets, …and she stands there at the counter and proceeds to scratch the tickets off again with more intensity and desperation for a convenience store windfall. Meanwhile, Billy Bob is turning periodically to catch a glimpse of my curmudgeony face beginning to twitch…along with 3 other people who have now gotten in line behind me. Still no winner for Fanny Mae! But just like at a Shoney's breakfast buffet…she hunkers down for the bacon! She buys 3 more Lotto Tickets - the clerk runs a 3rd transaction…another snide glance from Billy Bob…and I'm about to go postal inside of a small-town Mapco on a quiet, Mayberry-esque Sunday afternoon. This after one of the most enjoyable and relaxing weekends I've had in a long time. There are now a total of 7 people in line, holding various looks of disgust and sodium-packed snacks. At my emotional breaking point, I hear a timely, inner voice instructing me to suppress lashing out like a crazy man at Fanny Mae by reflecting on an otherwise perfect weekend. Somehow, I'm able to pause and visualize my beautiful wife of 30 years soaking up the sun and fellowship over the past 2 days, the engaging conversation with life-long friends, the moonlight dancing off the surface of the water on a late-night boat ride. Children laughing and singing, families enjoying each other's company. Peaceful, romantic…renewing! Even Fanny Mae scratching away can't ruin my mood. Matter of fact…I hope she wins the Lotto one day. I know that I already have!!! Curmudgeon Out! "Things are not as bad as they seem….they are worse"….Bill Press  I had lunch at a popular local restaurant the other day with a friend and business associate. Throughout our meal and engaging conversation, I consumed 3-4 big glasses of water. (This was in obedience to a Chinese acupuncturist whom I visited recently, who diagnosed me by having me stick out my tongue and scream in her Asian accent; "Ooooh…yo tongue is greasy!!! You need to eat veg-i-ta-bul and drink rots of water to balance CHI". "That will be Ninety-dollar pweeze…we not take American Express!" ). But that's another story…. Needless to say, by the end of our meal, all of that CHI-balancing water had commanded my attention. Politely, I excuse myself from the table and proceed with a purpose to the back of the restaurant where I'm stopped cold in my tracks…momentarily confused by what I saw. Now I'm a logical man, fairly intelligent, observant…etc, and I enjoy clever graphical signs that bring humor to our otherwise mundane lives, but this is NOT the time or place to force someone to process any type of cute message or conclusion other than "MEN" or "WOMEN". You need to understand something Mr. Proprietor (which I guarantee you will once you reach the age of >50)! When the urge to go has reached urgent status, there is nothing else the human brain can contemplate. Time is of the essence and believe me, seconds DO matter. So do us older patrons a favor, bring back "MEN" and "WOMEN". I bet you won't get a single complaint…but you will avoid the potential risk of an emergency "watering" of your hallway ficus.
Curmudgeon Out!
"Things are not as bad as they seem....they are worse!".....Bill Press Wanna know something that chafes my spokes? People who ride their bikes on busy streets. Why do they choose to do this? Especially when most of them look like this guy:  Bicycling is a great form of exercise and people that look like the man in this picture (and me), should hop on their Western Flyers more often to pedal away a few pounds. However, please do everyone a favor and stay off the congested highways. There's a reason why all those bicycle lanes that our tax dollars paid for are scarcely used. It's called common-sense.
While I'm at it, let's stay away from that Lance Armstrong rack at Dick's Sporting Goods too! Those clothes are not intended for you, even if they do come in XXXL. Do not allow the manufacturers (or your own mirror) to deceive you. You are Tour De Frankfurter, not Tour De France. Admit this to yourself the next time you contemplate purchasing form-fitting spandex anything! Instead…put on some elasticized shorts (the kind that expand from 36in - 44in), a loose-fitting cotton t-shirt, (helmet if you must), and find a road less travelled to do your cardio. It's much safer, you will be dressed more appropriately for the age and shape you are in…and you will endear yourself to curmudgeons like me, who have to resist the urge to run you over. Curmudgeon Out! "Things are not as bad as they seem. They are worse"... Bill Press Evidently, there is a bumper crop of desperate farmers, ranchers and good ole country folks out there...all lonely and looking for love in that virtual cornfield...the internet. Shucks Paw...the irony. The website is “FarmersOnly.com” and their tag line is; “City folks just don't get it”. Well, I grew up in a pretty rural community and I don't get it either, especially after watching this commercial featuring talking cows. Please watch this – it's only 30 seconds. How could this commercial inspire over 1 million people (according to their website) to plant their profile in this fertile ground of workaholics and weirdos? How would one reach out at first? What would that initial correspondence read like I wonder???: Hi, my name is Mr. Green Jeans and I ran across your profile on FarmersOnly.com. You sure are a pretty little Philly. Is that a recent picture? I noticed that you mentioned "nothing cranks your tractor quite like plowing the back 40 on a dusty day"...oh, and that you have 6 children – ages 4 to 30. When I read that, I knew you were a good match for me. Somebody pass the pitchfork where I can stab myself!
Curmudgeon Out! "Things are not as bad as they seem. They are worse"....Bill Press  Need another sign of crazy? (or in this case - "lazy")
Let me introduce you to Tidy Paws: a "pet waste removal and dog popper scooper yard cleanup service" here in Nashville. Call 1-800-DOG POOP. I have to admit, I would have loved to have been able to afford these guys when I was a teenager and used to mow our 1-acre yard with a 20-inch push mower. We had a large snow-white german shepherd named Bobo, and he excelled at hiding some pretty impressive droppings all over that acre. Let me tell you in case you've never experienced the enjoyment of hitting one of those bad boys with a throttled up 5HP Briggs & Stratton. It's the scent that keeps on giving Clark! According to Tidy Paws' website, they charge $13/visit for one dog - and they have a "double-doody" guarantee that you'll be happy with their service. You can't make up this crap! Curmudgeon Out! "Things are not as bad as they seem. They are worse." ~Bill Press  I paused yesterday on I-40 to snap a picture of this billboard. For some reason, it draws my eye every morning as I'm driving to work in order to support my overt happiness.
So I thought I'd take a picture of it to safely ponder & dissect the information on this billboard - and to share the thoughts it provokes in my pitiful mind every morning on my commute; The Girl:
Minimally Invasive: This is an oxymoron. If it's invasive, it ain't minimal. Shoulder Surgery: To reiterate, and as anyone my age with crusty, creaky joints knows…there is no such thing as minimally invasive (or minor) "Surgery" Dube Orthopedics Is it pronounced "doob" or "doobie"? That's a funny name for a Doctor who works on "joints". In either case, I will not be going to see him strictly based on that. I've gone to other doctors before who's names invoke unfortunate connotations. The most prominent of those being a gastrointestinal specialist in South Carolina named…Dr. Ramsbottom. (true) There is another Dube billboard as well, featuring a seductively-bent knee that looks as if it could be of this same young lady with obvious, premature joint issues. I can't remember where it is, but if I see it I will do a follow-up post or tweet out a picture. That way, we can be Dube Brothers! Curmudgeon Out! "Things are not as bad as they seem. They are worse." ~Bill Press SEEKING OUT PERFECTION
(by Curmudgeon) Hide that silver in your hair Wax that which is hairy Peel away the outer layer Scrub that which is scaly Whiten what you feel is dull Implant what you lack Lift up everything that sags Botox for the cracks Photoshop those lines and spots Colorize the eyes Brush away the pores of skin Slenderize those thighs Auto-tune who cannot sing Lip-sync at the show Play tracks to enhance the sound You think that no one knows We can't believe in what we see Or trust in what we hear Vanity is run amuck It's something we should fear The smoke and mirrors of it all Trick us with deception And makes us feel less than we are When seeking out perfection Curmudgeon Out! "Things are not as bad as they seem. They are worse." ~Bill Press  Need another sign of crazy?
Apparently, there is a growing trend of "hipsters" (definition below) - who feel that their beards are not full or bushy enough to complete their Bohemian look and lifestyle. So, these follicly-challenged young men, are shelling out upwards of $8,000 to plastic surgeons for facial hair transplants. (NY Post) The surgeon takes hair from other parts on the hipster's body and then implants it into the face. Where does that hair come from I wonder? Big toe? Armpit? Worse? I wonder if they'll hear comments like this in the thrift store post-surgery? "Hey hipster, your beard smells like Right Guard!" What defines a hipster you may ask (I know that I had to)? According to Urban dictionary:
"Oh…they just want to be in a band"! I couldn't say it better myself! Curmudgeon Out! "Things are not as bad as they seem. They are worse." ~Bill Press  As my Daddy would have said; You can scratch me off those Cruise Ships son!
Not that I needed another reason, but check out this current article: CDC Investigating Fourth Possible Outbreak of Norovirus on Cruise Ship. This particular ship (Holland America's "Veendam") - has had seven previous cases of illness outbreaks. Just last September, the Veendam received a failing grade from the CDC after inspectors found (among several other violations) "brown liquid dripping on clean dishes". I presume this was not gravy for the mashed potatoes. Last month, the Norweigian Star, Royal Caribbean's Explorer of the Seas (which the passengers renamed "Exploder" of the Seas), and the Caribbean Princess all had confirmed norovirus outbreaks during their voyage. But besides all the vomiting, diarrhea, eColi, germs, and other bacterial fungi growing and thriving on these floating incubators, there are plenty of other curmudgeony reasons not to set sail:
So bon voyage Captain Stubing…you'll be making another run without me. I'd rather stay at home with my newly-purchased NoNo epilator and rip the freshly-sprouted hair off my clavicles. Curmudgeon Out! "Things are not as bad as they seem. They are worse." ~Bill Press |
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